Condolence messages: what to write, with examples for every situation

When someone you know loses a family member, it can be hard to know what to say. Most people worry about getting the words wrong. In practice, families remember that you reached out far more than the exact words you used. A short, sincere message is almost always better than a long one.

This guide gives simple messages you can use or adapt, depending on how well you know the family and how you are getting in touch.

What a good condolence message does

A good message usually does three things:

• Names the loss. “I was so sorry to hear about your father” is warmer than a general “sorry for your loss”.
• Says something kind about the person who died, if you knew them. One small memory is enough.
• Offers support without asking for anything. “No need to reply” takes pressure off someone who is receiving many messages.

Things to avoid: comparing their loss with your own, asking how the person died, and phrases such as “everything happens for a reason” or “at least they lived a long life”. These are meant kindly but can land badly.

Short condolence messages

For a card, a text or a guest book at the wake:

• “I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.”
• “With deepest sympathy to you and your family.”
• “So sorry to hear about your mother. Sending you strength at this difficult time.”
• “Our thoughts are with you and your family. Please take care of yourself.”
• “I’m here if you need anything at all. No need to reply.”

For a friend

You can be more personal with a friend, and practical offers of help are often welcome:

• “I’m so sorry about your dad. He was always so kind to me whenever I visited. I’m thinking of you, and I’m around if you want company or help with anything this week.”
• “There are no right words, but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. I’ll drop by the wake on Thursday evening.”
• “I’m so sorry. Your grandmother was such a warm and funny person. Sending you a big hug.”

For a colleague or your manager

Keep it warm but simple, and avoid anything that sounds like pressure about work:

• “I was very sorry to hear about your loss. Please take the time you need, and don’t worry about things here.”
• “On behalf of the team, our deepest condolences to you and your family.”
• “Thinking of you and your family at this sad time. Let me know if there is anything I can take off your plate.”

If you are writing on behalf of a company to a client or business contact:

• “Please accept our sincere condolences on the passing of your father. Our thoughts are with you and your family.”

What to write on a wreath or flower stand ribbon

Flower stands at a wake usually carry a ribbon or card with a short message and the sender’s name. Keep it to a line:

• “With deepest sympathy” followed by your name or family name
• “In loving memory” followed by the name of the person who died
• “Rest in peace” with the sender’s name, for example “From the Tan family” or “From your colleagues at [company]”

The florist will usually ask for the name of the deceased and the wording when you order. Our guide to funeral flowers and wreaths covers what to send and when.

Messages in different traditions

Families in Singapore come from many faiths and backgrounds, and some phrases are used widely in particular communities. Use them only if you are comfortable with them; a simple message in English is always appropriate.

• Chinese: “节哀顺变” (jié āi shùn biàn) is a common way of saying “please take care of yourself in your grief”. “沉痛哀悼” (chén tòng āi dào) means “deepest condolences”.
• Malay and Muslim: “Takziah” means condolences. Many Muslims say “Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un” (“we belong to God and to Him we return”) on hearing of a death, and “Al-Fatihah” is often written as a request to recite the opening chapter of the Quran for the person who died.
• Christian and Catholic: “Rest in peace”, “With deepest sympathy, you are in our prayers”, or a short Bible verse if you know the family would welcome it.
• Hindu: “Om Shanti” is often used, wishing peace to the soul of the person who died.

If you are unsure of the family’s faith, a plain message of sympathy is the safest choice.

When you visit the wake

You don’t need a prepared speech. Most families appreciate a simple “I’m so sorry about your mother” or “I’m sorry for your loss, she was a lovely person”. It is customary to sign the guest book, and at many Chinese wakes visitors also give condolence money.

If you only knew the family member and not the person who died, it is still kind to go. A few quiet minutes with the family shows support.

If you hear the news late

It is never too late to send a message. If you learn of a death weeks or months later, you can simply say: “I only just heard about your father, and I’m so sorry. I’ve been thinking of you.” Families often find that messages after the funeral, when the visitors have gone home, mean the most.

Next steps

If you are helping a family arrange the funeral itself, our first steps guide explains what happens in the first few days, and you can find a funeral director by area and religion.